Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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