How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
i was like the pretty and slutty 8th grade girl who goes to a party, gets wasted, and ends up having sex with a senoir
details?
alcohol + bed + penis = sex
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Randomize