I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
it was like eating out sand paper
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
