he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
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