Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
