I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
