are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
