i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
I'm passing your future prison.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
Randomize
