did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
