I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
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