I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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