I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
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