1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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