Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
