PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
Randomize
