remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
