just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Randomize
