You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
