she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
No stitches, just platelets and will power
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
