I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
