I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
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