Well you will be happy to know that aaron carter hit on me
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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