If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Randomize
