I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
