I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Randomize
