I feel great
I just peed on a car
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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