Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
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