Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Randomize
