Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
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