I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
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