I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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