bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Randomize
