i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
