Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
