Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Randomize
