Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Randomize
