His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
I queefed so loud it echoed.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
