girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
