My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
Well, it's 24 hours till finals. I need high A's on all of them and I still am not sure where exactly on campus most of my classes took place.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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