you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
There's always time for handjobs
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
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