So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
