FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
