But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
