I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Randomize
