we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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