Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Randomize
