ugly people sure do ruin things
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
