i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
