i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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