is your mom at the bar?
Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Randomize
