Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Randomize
