The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
