When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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