Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
